Hold My Beer

     Yesterday was an odd day. In the morning, we took our dogs to the dog park. It's the first time we've left the house other than for work or appointments since our nightmare began.

     Fun was had until it was time to go home. Then we realized that we were not prepared. Story of our lives. 

     We had gone early. We'd taken the ball thrower. This necessitated trekking through the ankle-high grass. And, as it was early, the grass was still wet with dew. 

     We realized our sneakers would suffer for that but not a big deal. What we did not realize was that while our shoes were wet and muddy, the entirety of 2 dogs was the same.

     And if course we didn't bring seat covers. 

     There was a moment when hubs was trying to manhandle our younger dog into the back of the car. Little Dude is in his extended puppy hood, smarter than any dog has a right to be, and way more fond of the "bolt and run" move than he is of listening to his dad.

     Hubs had to let go for a second. And off Little Dude went. He shot out of the back of the car like a rocket. I saw it and thought, that is the last I will ever see of that adorable little shit. 

     And then an interesting thing happened: Hubs shouted "stop!" and Little Dude's ass hit the ground instantly. He went into a perfect, obedient sit.

     Hubs lost his cool and ranted at Little Dude about how he never listens. I walked up and told him that he did listen. 

     And you know who else listened? My husband. 

     He didn't argue or deflect or dismiss - tools he has used in me countless times. 

     Later at home, bathing the dogs, I listened to hubs talking to Little Dude about how upset he was because the dog does not listen to him. And then he said a couple of important things.

     After saying that, he added that he handled it poorly and has to learn to do better. And then he told his dog he was sorry.

     There's hope for him yet.

     A bit later, I got an email with some urinalysis results from earlier in the week. 

  Earlier that day I'd told hubs that 2024 may suck but we have to wrong every moment of joy that we can from it.

     Apparently 2024 was listening and said "hold my beer."

     The urinalysis results were Klebsiella Pneumoniae. 

     Fuck you, 2024.

Things Are Hard

     Things are hard right now. Yesterday I watched my husband break down. He cried about our current situation. He raged over how powerless we both are. He spoke of his grief that he could lose the 20 years he's put into serving seniors - his lifetime passion.

     He spoke about something I discuss freely. He has this asinine belief that not speaking about it will somehow share me some of my anguish. 

     No, you stubborn, silly man. Speaking of it lets me know that I am not alone. I feel very alone right now.

     The topic was losing contact with our granddaughter. We didn't have children together so she is the first child who didn't come to a relationship with him with any reservations. He was just her granddaughter. He adores her. She adored him. 

     One thing we were both dedicated to was ensuring that she had the kind of life we wished for her. And we wanted to spoil her. 

     Ironically, he spoke about how isolated he feels right now. I listened to him on this subject and told him ... that was how I felt last summer, when you were at your worst. 

     I am of two minds on this. On the one hand, I'm glad that he understands how I felt. On the other hand, I wish he didn't have reason to.

      We talked about how she says "oh grandma" (or grandpa) that is infinitely cute and adorable. It also has shades of the teenager she'll become. And she is going to be a handful. 

     Not going to lie, I was 100% looking forward to her mom understanding the challenges her own parents faced. 

     Fuck. I miss her so much. This last year has been hell. She was the one pure and good thing in my life. And now I'll never get to see her become that handful teen. 

     My life is so much less without her.